This post is one of my favorites- I can tell already. I read the book Atomic Habits. While the book is about making small changes to see an incredible transformation in various habitual behavior, it sparked a whole new wave of thought around relationships for me. It was incredible, and it made perfect sense. So, of course, I set out to understand it better, and that has led me here to this post. The Toxic Love Loop!

It all starts with a widely known and accepted concept about habits, and what causes an individual to repeat a behavior. I then apply the idea to love more broadly, bringing in the work of scholars who study the biochemical processes associated with experiencing “romantic love.” Lastly, I create my version of the habit loop specifically for us; folks who are dealing with BS [being single]. The “Toxic Love Loop” helps us to understand why we hold on to people who hurt us or who are not a good fit for us. I can talk about healing for days, but the truth is sometimes the heart wants what it wants, even if deceitfully. Attempting to rekindle a lost love does something for the individual. All behavior is motivated by something. For example, someone could be very aware that smoking is bad for them. Still, it serves a function that drives the behavior. Perhaps smoking helps them take time to inhale and exhale, relax, reflect, step away from others, or be social with others depending on the circumstance. Someone may act cold and “heartless,” but perhaps that behavior is motivated by repression of rejection. Therefore they are unwilling or unable to connect in some meaningful ways. None-the-less, I am bringing it back to the topic at hand, so let’s take a look.

The Four Stages of a Habit

This concept is widely known and accepted, but I will cite James Clear (2018), the author of Atomic Habits, because of his influence on how I formulated my observations. Clear talks about the different stages of starting and stopping habits, and he lends to the four stages of habit formation to find levels of intervention. A habit begins with a cue and is motivated by the reward, more specifically wanting the reward as opposed to liking the reward (Clear, 2018), which is an important distinction. In Clear’s book, he describes how the four stages [ cue, craving, response, and reward] are the same for every habit. In chapter three, he breaks down how “the cue triggers your brain to initiate a behavior” (2018, pp. 47-48). Cravings, he describes as the motivating force. The response he describes as the thought or action that takes place. Finally, there is a reward, the anticipated end goal (Clear, 2018). I made this diagram to depict it as a loop [not an original idea].

James Clear then provides insight into a dopamine-driven feedback loop that looks at patterns between the craving and the release of dopamine. This dopamine is present both when receiving and when anticipating the reward (Clear, 2018). Dopamine, therefore, is influential in the development and implementation of habits. Between my interest in brain neurocircuitry [inspired by Mozart’s Brain and the Fighter Pilot] and the processing of my emotional responses to breakups, I found this very interesting. In my role as a mental health professional, I knew there was an explanation for why falling in and out of love is so emotionally, psychologically, and physiologically messy.

Alright, so boom. We have the habit loop, and we know that dopamine is connected up in there somewhere. Okay, let’s look at love and dopamine. So, Scott Edwards featured my friends Richard Schwartz and Jaqueline Olds at Harvard Medical School (no, I do not actually know them lol) in an article about the relationship between romantic love and the brain (Edwards, 2020). They talked about how romantic love releases dopamine (Fisher, 2005; Edwards, 2020). Schwartz and Olds also talked about how romantic love is stressful (all stress isn’t “bad” stress). Romantic love, therefore, is linked to an increase in cortisol, a stress hormone (Edwards, 2020). Here’s the thing though, an increase in cortisol can lead to a decrease in serotonin, known to regulate anxiety (Cohen 2002; Edwards, 2020). Put differently, an increase in cortisol can impair the neurotransmission of serotonin (Strickland et al., 2002).

Maybe you: Ashley, WTF does this have to do with being single?
Me: Please, stick it out with me.

Quick-term check*:
Dopamine: A neurotransmitter associated with pleasure-seeking, reward-seeking, and motivation. Dopamine is “traditionally known for its role in motivation, reward prediction, and addiction – it is also crucial in regulating anxiety,” (Lee, Wang & Tsien, 2016, p.1).

Cortisol: Stress hormone (remember stress can be both productive and non-productive, “good” and “bad”). When it comes to romantic love, stress can be heart-racing, butterflies, and other feelings of passion.

Serotonin: Also, a neurotransmitter, known as a mood-regulator, often associated with “feel-good” chemicals. (Jenkins et al., 2016; Salters-Pedneault, 2020).

Here is a graph I made to show hope I see this chemical talk fitting into the habit loop (and it is supported by the research I just talked about).

Okay, ready? I am going to bring it all back now to make it practical. I argue that the process of making “bad” decisions after a breakout is a biochemical process. Understanding the process will help you combat it by identifying the toxic cues and the “natural” emotional reaction you are experiencing.

The cue is anything that is a reminder of your ex. The signal could be seeing other happy couples on Instagram, any of the 10,000 songs that remind you of them, the birds chirping, your favorite snack. You maybe get a rush of dopamine. Perhaps you are wanting or desiring that feeling back, missing the good times, feeling deeply for that person.

That cue leads to the craving of wanting to talk to them, wanting to see them, be connected again. Maybe the craving is to know if your ex [or insert other applicable person] still cares, or if you are still on their mind. Your body releases cortisol, you become stressed, not knowing what to do. You find yourself processing to send the text or don’t send the text? Call? Call again?

Response time. Now you are flustered and stressed, and sad. You are reminiscing, and this neurochemical sh** show has your serotonin dropping, which increases your impulsive behavior. Your regulators are out the window, and you’re full sprint toward the reward. You think, ‘send the text.’ Maybe you think you’ll feel better, or at least then you’ll know the truth, or perhaps they will know how you really feel about them (’cause you’re going to cuss them out lol).

The reward comes as a quick release of the pressure. Maybe you’ll get an “I miss you too.” Perhaps you are seeking any response validating the action of reaching out even if it’s a negative response because at least they cared to say something. Maybe you get false hope, a lil’ boost of dopamine. Or perhaps they don’t respond favorably, or not at all. The pressure to fix or understand that rejection now is the motivator (dopamine) to regulate. The imbalance of the reward then restarts the process through the loop.

Here’s the beauty in this gloom. If you know what you are experiencing, you are one step closer to a changed behavior that will alleviate the rejection or false hope. Holding on is prohibiting you from (a) healing, and (b) being present and ready. Get ready for the day when love comes along and know it is real when you don’t have to sacrifice so much of your authentic self.

In my first post, I talked about the importance of healing. I also focused on why those around folks healing from heartbreak shouldn’t just motivate the to move on and instead create space to process all the emotions. I find that it is between cue and craving where people see you in your “feelings” and recommend you burn the ish your ex gave you. Lol, now this may be a solid idea if the intention is to get rid of the cue. However, I don’t believe that is necessary. Maybe just move it out of sight. I instead advocate for habit replacement. Habit replacement is an idea I developed from Atomic Habits, and it has worked for me. The idea is to pair the cue with something different. If that person is your first thought when you wake up, then start reading a book as soon as you wake up. It interrupts the connection between cue and craving and forms a different association. Praise yourself for these altered habits and remind yourself that they are signifiers of your improvement.

Being in romantic love is quite literally like a drug; it entices your reward center. You crave contact, communication, and connection with the person for whom you feel romantic love. In fact, romantic love not only makes you feel good, but it also takes away negative experiences, creating a euphoria (even if you’ve imagined it and it is unreal). The sentiments of love being blind and love being a drug, are not just cliche— they are rooted in science. Romantic love can impair your judgment, which is a beautiful thing when you entrust your heart with someone worthy of caring for such a critical honor. The scary part it also can easily lead to manipulation and habit-forming behaviors of being hung up on toxic people, or maybe your not-so toxic, but not right for you, ex. Your reward-seeking habits may be a significant barrier in your healing with your breakups— the BS in dealing with being single.

The confusion of emotions is especially prevalent early on in the relationship (Edward, 2020). Understanding the early stages of romantic love helps to explain why you can date someone for a short or long amount of time and be devastated when the relationship ends. Your emotional regulation is all out of whack, and your sense of hope is disheveled, you do not have a buffer against stress, and yet your reward system is lighting up like a fu*kin’ pinball machine at every present cue that reminds you of that person.

The good news is that if you can make it past the early-romantic love phase that sh*t is legit and can be powerful, secure, and glorious beyond measure. In the meantime, some of us are still chopping through the jungle that is dating for romantic love. Our hearts feel like being social experiments, and we continue to have failed attempts at setting healthy boundaries? Why? Because we are craving romantic love.

I will close with this: Healing is not forgetting. Healing is growing, forgiving, observing, processing, etc.

Eventually, the cue will become less prominent, but you may never forget. If forgetting about someone is your goal for healing, you will be disappointed time and time again. You will think you are not healing, or you will believe that you are regressing. You’re doing a great job by confronting it head-on! Look at you, strong and healthy AF.

I am going to go deeper into the problematic nature of biochemistry and love in an upcoming post called “Relational Stress: What science says about why loves got you f*%ked up.” That post is going to be real. It’ll get into deeper level stress, and the post will be especially beneficial for people who have experienced traumatic breakups or other trauma in their lives which is inhibiting their romantic relationships.

EXTRA: Support for my claim

CUE [Increase in Dopamine]: Even a task as simple as seeing a photo of someone you romantically love can increase activity in the regions of your associated with dopamine (Fisher 2005)

CRAVING & RESPONSE [Increase in Cortisol & Decrease in Serotonin]: Love is “stressful,” and all stress isn’t bad stress. For example, the emotional experience that comes with feeling romantic love. However, stress comes with the increase in the stress hormone cortisol that creates that anxiousness. An interesting relationship appears between cortisol and serotonin– an increase in cortisol (stress) leads to a decrease in serotonin, which regulates anxiety and increases depression. Lowered levels of serotonin are also associated with impulsive and obsessive behaviors, like infatuation (Fisher, 2005; Edwards, 2002).

REWARD: In the Fisher (2005) study, they used fMRI scans to assess brain activity when romantic love was present. Two of the regions that reacted were caudate nucleus “associated with reward detection, expectations, and integration of sensory experiences into social behavior” (Edwards, 2002 pp. 2-3). The second, the ventral tegmental, area “associated with pleasure, focused attention, and motivation to pursue and acquire rewards” (Edwards, 2002 p. 3).

*I am not a neuroscientist and so these definitions are blog-worthy but maybe not medically sound

References:

Clear, J. (2018). Atomic habits: Tiny changes, remarkable results: An easy & proven way to build good habits & break bad ones. Penguin Random House, NY.

Cowen, P. J. (2002). Cortisol, serotonin and depression: All stressed out? British Journal of Psychiatry, 180, 99–100. Social Science Premium Collection.

Edwards, S. (2020) Love and the brain. On the brain. https://neuro.hms.harvard.edu/harvard-mahoney-neuroscience-institute/brain-newsletter/and-brain/love-and-brain

Fisher, H., Aron, A., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Romantic love: An fMRI study of a neural mechanism for mate choice. Journal of Comparative Neurology, 493(1), 58–62.

Jenkins, T.A.; Nguyen, J.C.D.; Polglaze, K.E.; Bertrand, P.P. Influence of tryptophan and serotonin on mood and cognition with a possible role of the gut-brain axis. Nutrients 2016, 8, 56.

Lee, J. C., Wang, L. P., & Tsien, J. Z. (2016). Dopamine Rebound-Excitation Theory: Putting Brakes on PTSD. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 7, 163–163. PubMed.

Salters- Pedneault, K. (2020) How serotonin regulates body functions.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-serotonin-425327

Strickland, P. L., Deakin, J. F. W., Percival, C., Dixon, J., Gater, R. A., & Goldberg, D. P. (2002). Bio-social origins of depression in the community: Interactions between social adversity, Cortisol and serotonin neurotransmission. British Journal of Psychiatry, 180(2), 168–173. Cambridge Core.

Young, S. N. (2007). How to increase serotonin in the human brain without drugs. Journal of Psychiatry & Neuroscience : JPN, 32(6), 394–399. PubMed.