Hope is a beautiful word: Finding joy in expectancy.
Be gentle to yourself, love is a basic need: Here is the thing, we need love. Romantic love is a unique type of love that one can experience. We have love from our family, friends, animals. Love is felt for our job [maybe], and experienced in our spaces of worship. As with all needs, we can have all but one and still feel the gap present from the missing one. So, we should strive to not be hard on ourselves. We do not need to feel ungrateful because we long for and desire romantic love [or any natural gap in our needs for that matter]. Practicing gratitude and desiring more can and do happen simultaneously.
Beware of expectations that distract you: I even find sometimes seeking romantic love can be all-consuming. For example, there were times when I would decide what to wear and where to go based on the possibility that I may meet “my husband” there. Searching in this way would create unhealthy anticipation as I constantly experienced rejection when that goal of mine wasn’t satisfied. Beyond that, it was also time-consuming. I am reminded to beware of things that distract us from our purpose and our passion. Focusing on the wrong things and the wrong people can lead to a lot of wasted time.
Feeling hopeless? Remember, there is joy in hope, and hope, by definition, is expectant: Even recently, I went to a worship event for “singles.” Yes, of course, it was intended to inspire and remind us that it is most important to prioritize ourselves and our relationship with God. I am always talking about expressing genuine love and care for ALL people around us. Additionally, I talk a lot about demonstrating gratitude to our loved ones and having faith in whatever spiritual and wellness practice you identify with. I must also be real with y’all, ’cause a sis left that gathering in tears, and not happy tears. It is hard to be in spaces with other single people sometimes because it can be a reminder that finding romantic love is hard. I was crushed because I felt hopeless. Hope, however, is a joyful feeling of expectancy not having something at the moment. So, while the odds seem stacked up against me and I was so sure the room would be full of future boos, and it wasn’t, I reminded myself that the joy in hope is the anticipation.
The threat of comparison is also real: Observation is good, and it is important to take note when it starts a slippery slide into toxic comparison. It is one thing to be inspired, to even desire, and there is a difference when it diminishes our presence in the journey. I can be joyful for other people while also acknowledging my own experience. Observing other people in healthy and happy relationships is a Blessing. I can honestly say, I would often look at them and feel happy for them and still wonder why not me, why am I “undeserving” of this same experience? It seemed unfair. In that circumstance, I wasn’t experiencing the joy in hope.
Now I want to be clear, sometimes things aren’t fair, that is a reality, period. I would never want to diminish anyone’s pain, and I honor your and my experiences. Under certain circumstances, I offer a reframe. When we focus on that gap (things that are unfair, what other people have), we can expend our energy onto other people and not ourselves.
I realized these truths in multiple areas of my life in which I experienced rejection. Two areas that come to mind are in my romantic life and pursuing my Ph.D. Getting my Ph.D. did not feel like a fair experience. I was criticized harsher than my colleagues. I was supported less emotionally and physically. I was ostracized for my work to serve communities of color and Black people more broadly. I didn’t progress as quickly, I failed more, I didn’t acquire awards or scholarly accolades despite working day in and day out to be there. My colleagues joked about the process being easy. At the same time, for me, it was hard and depleting me and ruining my relationships. I then started to focus on how unfair it was and sending negative energy thinking about all of whom it wasn’t so unfair for. I focused on them and what they had, and I ended up extending my own journey [literally] because I was wasting time comparing myself to them. The truth is they will never and can never have what I have. That’s not good nor bad, it’s just fact. The challenges and barriers I overcame makeup who I am and are reflected in every bit of how I show up. By getting to the space where I can live my purpose, I create an opportunity to flourish. I can honor and celebrate the fact that I didn’t get distracted or defeated by the energies of those who didn’t want me to finish in the first place.
The same is true romantically. What I’ve experienced is real and valid. AND the function of healing is so much greater than moving past a circumstance. It is about being able to use that circumstance as a form of power. Healing isn’t about putting it off to the side and pretending things aren’t unfair. Instead, it is about being aware and being the tool that dismantles the systems causing pain, suffering, oppression, heartbreak, trauma… whatever it may be. What people display is not always authentic (even I didn’t show any of my struggles, despite promising myself I would). Regardless, people will feel what’s real.
When the time comes, nothing and no one can stop it: What is meant for you will be. I believe that is why it is important to be present. Perhaps I missed the opportunity many times before because I was distracted by what I thought I wanted or by my confidence in myself to “find it” or “make it work” based on willpower and drive. A relationship is not a one-way street. If we focus on ourselves and manifest all the things we need, want, and deserve, then we will find love and love will find us. To quote Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist, “when you want something, all the Universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” For this to be true, a few things must also be true, we have to believe it. Even if we have doubts right now, we can still believe it, and that starts with believing in ourselves.
You are worthy, and you’re divinely created. Your energy influences the world and all things in it. I hope you stand boldly and proudly, knowing that the things that you’ve gone through can be your source of unique healing power. The barriers you overcame [will overcome] are the connecting point to transform hearts, minds, and spirits all throughout this world. The fears you’ve conquered are your testimony. When you see that power within yourself, there is no single element, and certainly, no single person who can shift your peace.
That doesn’t mean there won’t be dark days again, but in those moments, you will know to listen to and trust yourself. You will know to pray, to meditate, and to rejoice for this shift that is taking place within you. It takes time, and it takes self-love. Not this conjured image of self-love, but really loving yourself unconditionally. I am grateful for what you are and will do in this world. As for me, I am grateful for all that I do have, and I am also grateful for hope!
Leave me a comment and let me know what you are manifesting!