Unpacking the Bag[gage]

Proverbs 18:2 “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.”

It has been a while since I’ve been writing. Well, that is not true, it has been a while since I’ve posted. Why? Because I was feeling insecure about my work. It is all in good time, and more importantly, in good work.

Today’s reflection is on unpacking the baggage. I am not a fan of talking about my past relationship failures [insert flashing red FAIL sign lol]. I don’t think that is uncommon, because talking about losses isn’t sexy or positive. Yet, I’ve learned that there is power in testimony. So I can’t speak about unpacking baggage without being transparent about my baggage. I look at so many beautiful and wonderful people who are single who have been hurt time and time again and wonder how this could happen? In fact, I tend to write with the thought that I am communicating to those folks who are single after being heartbroken over and over again. Perhaps this post lends empathy to the heartbreakers, to the hurt people who hurt people. If you’re reading this and you are heartbroken, maybe this will lend some internal peace to understand how someone else not unpacking their baggage has harmed you, and a reminder to not do the same.

I have met people at stages in my life where I was healing. Some dope guys wanted to date me; beautiful souls, one or two who I am Blessed to call my friends still. They tried to love me, I was in a healing space, and they deserved not to have to wait for me to unpack my baggage. While I like to think that I haven’t caused any harm, I certainly wasn’t courteous. I loved them, yes, I showed them love, yes, but I did not reciprocate the romantic love they shared with me. I felt guilty as a result and often wondered if my failed love attempts were the punishment of my imperfections. While I could never be as cold as people have been to me, I know what it’s like not to be fully invested in something, even if it’s great. I had to prioritize being whole and healthy to be able to give abundantly because I literally couldn’t stand to be anything less. I wrote about this in an earlier blog— the secret ingredient is to deal with heartbreak and not skirt it. I have also uncovered a different layer of healing for myself, tapping into the purpose of healing. For me, that was to solidify my character. Under great test, who you are will persevere.

I recall feeling defeated and crying. Why? Why do I DESERVE to be pulled through the dirt? Why do I have to endure the pain of failed romantic relationships? I know love soo well, so why does romantic love betray me? Why do I keep being the victim of men who don’t see my value and treat me with disrespect and neglect? That’s not what I put into the world. I love, care, listen, and give wholeheartedly, so WHY do I keep going through BS?

My understanding will continue to evolve, and five years from now, I may have a new perspective. However, I have a response to that WHY question now, that I didn’t have for the last five years. And the reason why I had to endure all of that emotional labor was to concretize who I am. Because I DO know love. I went through it to ensure that I had the grit and resilience to be myself REGARDLESS of how other people treat me. So, I would build up my defense mechanism to be the strongest and most solidified version of myself, where my character and values are unshakeable. Because I was developing the discernment to be able to love those even who try, intentionally or not, to break me down. I went through those struggles because I was being protected from my own strengths, where I would continue to give without the realization that I can be abundant and not taken for granted. Everyone encourages me to tell people how they’ve hurt me, and that they need to know how “ain’t s#&t” they are, which very well may be true. I had to realize the reason why that never resonated with me was the intent behind it. Let’s be real, the person who breaks my heart isn’t truly my “friend” to begin with; therefore, if I were to “check” them, my objective is to put them down or amplify myself. That’s not my goal, and if I followed that path, I’d constantly need to seek validation from them; my actions would be with the intent of proving someone else wrong/foolish and not continuing to be my best self. They know who I am. They choose to ignore, adjust, diminish that for whatever self-serving function of their lives. All I have control over is how I authentically show up as myself. As long as I am watering and nourishing my spirit, I can make the informed assumption that anyone missing that is simply not looking for it— and that is okay.

For a while, as I was coming to understand this, I brushed it off as a coping mechanism; my own internal ego that shouldn’t be shared publicly because it was arrogance. No, it’s ‘Godfidance’ as I have heard pastors say; A confidence that is rooted in the work, not the culture. It is a widely known and studied phenomenon of coming to live as your authentic self- to understand your energy and power. When I came to accept it, I got armor to process through BS because I am unshaken, and I can see that the actions of others are not always reciprocal of me or anything I can give or do. These trials have stabilized the direction I take with other people, to ensure that I am intentional, grateful, loving, healing, caring…

I need not fear judgment because my true essence is carried through the elements. Therefore I prioritize what is real and what is felt, not what is said. My words will inevitably be healing when the source of their formation is whole.

For this purpose, baggage is a lack of awareness of your intentions, and thereby your beautiful authentic self. Estelle, do what feels right, and understand why. Who are you? And do your actions, communication and interactions with others reflect that?